Chasing Baby

8 Weeks & Hitting Our Stride-Mostly

Scarlet is 8 weeks.  She will officially be 2 months on Monday, and I am blown away by how quickly the last two months have passed.  I know the time flew at warp speed with Tressel during the first few months, but it was different.  The sleep deprivation at that time was on a level that I never could have imagined.  Most of my posts were about wanting more sleep.  When I actually did sleep, I dreamed of more sleep.

I am getting restful sleep this time, which makes life easier to handle.  It definitely makes caring for a 2-year-old and an infant easier.  There is a bigger difference that I am hesitant to mention because I worry that people won't get it.  Scarlet reacts to me.  She is a flirty baby with smiles and coos.  The smiles started early.  Before the smiles, she was tracking me as I moved around the room.  She started tracking me at 2 weeks-seriously! 

Truth be told there are times when I feel like she is seeing me as a giant boob and just wants to nurse. 

More often I feel such joy.  That she realizes I am her Mommy.  I didn't have that with Tressel for a long time.  The first few months were very challenging.  I use that word because it is the kindest word I can find without doing a disservice to that little boy who now makes me laugh hysterically countless times each day; who melts my heart countless times each day; who tells me he loves me and calls me his best friend countless times each day. 

Knowing the road I traveled with Tressel, I was prepared for the worst this time.  I knew how rough it can be with night after night of hours of crying.  Inconsolable crying.  More than once I placed him gently in the crib as the tears ran down my cheeks at 2:30 am to go sit on the toilet by myself for 5 minutes.  Then I would return to pick him up-still crying-and keep going with the hope that things would get better.  Thank goodness things did improve.  I was so sleep deprived that I wasn't clear when exactly it happened.

I am grateful for the sake of my entire family that Scarlet sleeps more at night and lets me sleep.  It gives me the needed energy to care for my kids and be patient with them.

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One of the first posts after Scarlet was born I mentioned having my tubes tied and the relief that brought me.  I have felt some mixed emotions about not being pregnant again because I enjoyed that feeling of carrying a child.  For me being pregnant felt like this great secret that I shared with my baby.  I loved that part of being pregnant, but I always felt like the other shoe could drop at any minute.

Three miscarriages mean that a pregnancy can end at any time.  Something can go wrong at any time.  I truly believe it is a miracle that I have two healthy children to hold and kiss each day!  I felt like I was tempting fate by trying to get pregnant last year.  I didn't know if I could have another miracle happen.  I have a deep affection for all of my doctors: both of my REs, my high-risk OB, and my OB.  Two of those doctors get credit for Tressel, and two get credit for Scarlet.

I know that I don't want to put my body again through what it takes for me to have a baby.  Since I know how easy it is for me to get pregnant, I decided to get me tubes tied.  I didn't want the possibility of getting pregnant again.

Truth is that I recognize what my body has physically endured.  More than that I realize what I am capable of handling emotionally and psychologically.  Miscarriage changed me drastically.  I am more empathetic toward the struggles of other people.  I am also more guarded.  I have had to force myself to take the risk of forming new friendships and mending those that have been strained by my struggle.

Part of my heart was permanently damaged, and I recognize that there are limits to what I can expect of myself.  I want to be the best wife and mother I am capable of being for Mike, Tressel, and Scarlet.  If I had to endure another miscarriage, I don't think I could be my best for them. 

So, I am relieved to know that I won't have to return to the darkest places that I went after the miscarriages.  To my angels, I love you, and you are always in my heart!  I RSVP'd yes this week for the walk in October to honor you!

5 Weeks and Still Adjusting

Scarlet is 5 weeks old as of today.  What better way to celebrate than to have pictures taken of her and our now family of four.  Scarlet was a real trooper-sleeping through the first part of the session.  She didn't start fussing until the end.

Tressel wasn't too happy to have the spotlight so focused on his sister.  Mike kept him in another room during the photographs of only Scarlet.  When it was time for them to join us, I had to bribe Tressel.  Most moms have to bribe their kids with a toy or candy.  In our house it is fruit.  I gave him 1 or 2 grapes at a time to get him to do the little things we needed.  Like join us for a family picture.  Or hold his sister long enough to get a few shots.

There is definitely no easy way to transition a 2-year-old from being the center of attention to sharing everything.  I was a first-born, and my mom loves telling the stories about the antics I pulled (mainly regressing on being potty-trained) after my sister was born.

I hate the fact that my patience is much lower.  I'm tired most of the time, and that doesn't help.  Then behavior is added to the mix.  The result is less than positive more than a few times each day.  Did I mention that the hormones have been worse this time?  They are.  I haven't called my OB because I am functioning almost all of the time.  My release has been unloading on Mike and crying. 

Having another child, I can attest to the fact that the amount of love I have has increased.  I just wish I had more hours every day to show that.  Especially to Tressel. 

Like I said: we are all still adjusting.  I did manage to make it out of the house this morning when I intended with both kids.  One victory at a time.