I have been at a loss for what to write for the last few months. Four years ago I was pregnant and hoping beyond hope that I had finally paid my dues and would be able to have a baby. Three weeks later I was walking out of the OB's office in a daze, saying "I can't believe it is happening again." I was stunned and couldn't think clearly knowing I was having my third miscarriage over the time span of 15 months. After pushing my OB, a maternal-fetal specialist, my family doctor, and a fertility specialist over the course of 2 months, I finally had answers and a plan.
August 2005 I got pregnant.
April 2006 Tressel was born 4 weeks early. Healthy. My miracle!
Tressel turned 3 last month, and I am so in awe of him. I fell in love with him the at the first ultrasound of the tiny dot with the blinking heartbeat. I would talk to him during the day, determined to appreciate the days.
When he was born, I was even more in love. While the first few months were exhausting and made me wonder if I would ever sleep again in my life, I treasured my baby. When we saw people, I didn't want to share him. Not even with Mike. Part of me always felt like the other shoe would fall. He would contract some illness from someone and get sick.
Now I look at him and tear up because I see what a smart, empathetic, funny boy he is. And know that it is almost time for me to turn him over to someone else for part of his care and education. He will start preschool in September, assuming he masters potty training by then.
I feel lucky to have had a front row seat for the last three years, watching and nurturing my little baby grow into the three-year-old boy with the endless curiosity and hours of singing made up songs. He can spell his name and a handful of other things. He can count to 20 in English and 8 in Spanish. He "reads" by himself, and loves to cuddle with me while I read to him.
He runs and climbs. Builds with Legos, blocks, books, and just about anything else that can be stacked. He has an amazing smile. And an even better laugh.
He has taught me a lot. Most importantly, that plans need to have some fluidity. That it is important to reevaluate how well something is working. If it isn't working, it is a good idea to try something new. And I can't do it all. It is better for me and for my family if I have a break rather than wear myself ragged and have a spotless house. I have redefined success.
Success is what I see in my family room: a happy little boy playing with his baby sister.
