Chasing Baby

Time for school

When I started this blog, I didn't know if I would ever have a baby in my arms. Multiple miscarriages have that effect. The blogosphere provided me with much needed comfort after my second miscarriage.

When T was born, I was so focused on the now of actually having a baby in my arms. All of the daydreaming I did while pregnant was temporarily forgotten. In its place were diapers, many sleepless nights, and trying to navigate being a new mom.

Now T is almost 5 1/2 years old and has a younger sister (S). Tomorrow is T's first day of kindergarten, and I have had a few emotional moments this week. Yesterday we met with his teacher, and he was able to explore the kindergarten room. He was so excited and can't wait to spend more time playing and making friends.

I am so happy that he is excited. At the same time, I am facing the transition from being almost the sole influence in his life to having another adult present for many of his new experiences. This is the blessing and curse of being a stay-at-home mom. When he started preschool 2 years ago, he only went 2 mornings each week for a total of 5 hours. He was still with me for most of the time. When I was talking to my husband about this, he asked if I wanted to homeschool our son. I said no. I understand the importance of having other relationships (both teachers and classmates).

After I get through the tears of tomorrow, I have Tuesday to look forward to when S starts her first day of preschool. She has attended a 1 day a week program for the last year because she wanted to go to school like her brother. After the first two weeks, I saw the benefit of having 2 hours every week to run errands by myself. I was amazed at how productive I could be. Maybe I am not feeling as emotional about preschool because she will only be away from me for 5 hours a week? I guess I have 2 years until another flood of emotion about being apart from my little girl. My baby.

On that note, it sounds like quiet time has come to a close for today, so I should go enjoy my time with my kiddos and hold my first baby in my arms for a little more before he starts school tomorrow.

2009 & Filled with Pride

The election of President Obama in November filled me with immense pride.  I was so happy to take both of my children with me to vote.  Tressel didn't really understand, but that didn't stop me from trying.  I read him books about elections and showed him pictures of the candidates.

On Inauguration Day, we made American flags and watched the President take the oath.  I love that this election happened, especially in the beginning of my children's lives.  Talk about a new normal!

A New Normal

Months have passed since last I posted.  Months have passed since I even logged into my account.  Three months to be exact. 

I am immersed in raising my kids.  Being a mom to Tressel has tested my levels of creativity (keeping a toddler occupied while I nurse the baby) and patience (how to not overreact at things that happen-usually while I am nursing the baby).  Being a mom to Scarlet is easy.  She is the type of baby who goes with the flow, and I only wish I could lavish her with even more attention.

Even with those challenges, I am in awe of how much Tressel is learning and growing.  When he asks a question or needs assistance with something, I have learned that it is worth pushing to see how much more he can absorb or do.  He is spelling words verbally.  He officially can dress himself now. 

The one thing he doesn't seem to want to really do is potty training.  We had tried a couple of times, but I didn't want to push it.  Now that I am getting ready to enroll him in preschool for the fall, I see the need to work on the potty training.  A couple of weeks ago, he decided he was ready.  We had three days with only 1 accident, and I thought we were well on our way.  Forget that.  He likes sitting on it, but only wants to sit on it.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is what a sweet boy he really is.  Any outbursts I can attribute to both the adjustments of being 2 1/2 and having a baby sibling.  He is so affectionate toward his sister, and he eats it up when I hold him.  I really wish I could clone myself so they could both have enough of me.

Scarlet will be 6 months tomorrow, and she can't wait until she can chase after Tressel.  She is rolling, getting up on all fours and rocking, and babbling up a storm.  It may be wishful thinking, but I swear she is on the verge of saying Ma Ma.  When she wants me to come to her, she cries the M sound.  Her smile melts me.

To be completely honest, I could have found some time for blogging if I had wanted.  One of my friends convinced me last fall to join Facebook.  I had resisted for months.  I'm not sure if I timed it right based on my recovering from the pregnancy hormones.  I have been spending my spare time being rather introspective about my high school and college experiences.

I had maintained contact with my close friends from earlier in my life and didn't think I needed to reconnect with those who were more of acquaintances.  The reconnecting has brought to the surface my joys and insecurities from those times.  As I share current photos and information, a part of me wonders the context in which it is being read.  Those people are filtering the current me through the lens from when we knew one another.  As I am doing.

I have decided this might be the perfect time for this because I am forcing myself to revisit those issues to improve myself and hopefully be better for me and for the important people in my life (my kids, husband, family, friends).

I definitely could not have done this a few years ago before I was pregnant with Tressel.  It was challenging enough interacting with friends who were having children.  A few of those I reconnected with are married with no children.  Part of me wonders if they are part of the infertile club.  Much of the Facebook communication tends to be superficial, so I don't feel comfortable relating my story or reaching out to them about it.  But maybe with time it will be possible.

I suppose it is also possible that my new normal of moving away from trying to have children to raising children and reconnecting with people from earlier in my life may be a really good thing.  Not all of the days are easy, but the joy I am experiencing with my kids is more than I could have anticipated.

How quickly the time flies!

While I try to ignore the downward plummet of the stock market and our investment portfolio, I am shocked at how quickly the weeks have passed since Scarlet's birth. 

She is smiley and happy most of the time.  She is only fussy when she needs something or has gas.  I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes it is that simple. 

Monday was her two month appointment, and she is growing!  She measured 23.5 inches and 12 pounds 15 ounces.  Tressel was 21.25 inches and 13 pounds at two months.  Gotta love the breast milk.  I really am grateful that nursing comes so easily for us.  I am dealing with another round of latching issues and soreness, but we'll get through it with a little wincing.

This week has brought some new things for Scarlet.  She rolled for the first time on Sunday from back to front.  I haven't been very diligent about tummy time, but she seems determined to learn how to move.  Tressel is too intriguing and entertaining for her, and she is ready to join him already. 

Last night during bath time she laughed for the first time.  I thought I was going to cry.  She is growing so quickly and is so social.  I felt like for a moment I had a peek at the future: being on the phone with my daughter talking for hours about anything and everything.

I am so in love with my baby girl that sometimes I feel like I might burst!

8 Weeks & Hitting Our Stride-Mostly

Scarlet is 8 weeks.  She will officially be 2 months on Monday, and I am blown away by how quickly the last two months have passed.  I know the time flew at warp speed with Tressel during the first few months, but it was different.  The sleep deprivation at that time was on a level that I never could have imagined.  Most of my posts were about wanting more sleep.  When I actually did sleep, I dreamed of more sleep.

I am getting restful sleep this time, which makes life easier to handle.  It definitely makes caring for a 2-year-old and an infant easier.  There is a bigger difference that I am hesitant to mention because I worry that people won't get it.  Scarlet reacts to me.  She is a flirty baby with smiles and coos.  The smiles started early.  Before the smiles, she was tracking me as I moved around the room.  She started tracking me at 2 weeks-seriously! 

Truth be told there are times when I feel like she is seeing me as a giant boob and just wants to nurse. 

More often I feel such joy.  That she realizes I am her Mommy.  I didn't have that with Tressel for a long time.  The first few months were very challenging.  I use that word because it is the kindest word I can find without doing a disservice to that little boy who now makes me laugh hysterically countless times each day; who melts my heart countless times each day; who tells me he loves me and calls me his best friend countless times each day. 

Knowing the road I traveled with Tressel, I was prepared for the worst this time.  I knew how rough it can be with night after night of hours of crying.  Inconsolable crying.  More than once I placed him gently in the crib as the tears ran down my cheeks at 2:30 am to go sit on the toilet by myself for 5 minutes.  Then I would return to pick him up-still crying-and keep going with the hope that things would get better.  Thank goodness things did improve.  I was so sleep deprived that I wasn't clear when exactly it happened.

I am grateful for the sake of my entire family that Scarlet sleeps more at night and lets me sleep.  It gives me the needed energy to care for my kids and be patient with them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the first posts after Scarlet was born I mentioned having my tubes tied and the relief that brought me.  I have felt some mixed emotions about not being pregnant again because I enjoyed that feeling of carrying a child.  For me being pregnant felt like this great secret that I shared with my baby.  I loved that part of being pregnant, but I always felt like the other shoe could drop at any minute.

Three miscarriages mean that a pregnancy can end at any time.  Something can go wrong at any time.  I truly believe it is a miracle that I have two healthy children to hold and kiss each day!  I felt like I was tempting fate by trying to get pregnant last year.  I didn't know if I could have another miracle happen.  I have a deep affection for all of my doctors: both of my REs, my high-risk OB, and my OB.  Two of those doctors get credit for Tressel, and two get credit for Scarlet.

I know that I don't want to put my body again through what it takes for me to have a baby.  Since I know how easy it is for me to get pregnant, I decided to get me tubes tied.  I didn't want the possibility of getting pregnant again.

Truth is that I recognize what my body has physically endured.  More than that I realize what I am capable of handling emotionally and psychologically.  Miscarriage changed me drastically.  I am more empathetic toward the struggles of other people.  I am also more guarded.  I have had to force myself to take the risk of forming new friendships and mending those that have been strained by my struggle.

Part of my heart was permanently damaged, and I recognize that there are limits to what I can expect of myself.  I want to be the best wife and mother I am capable of being for Mike, Tressel, and Scarlet.  If I had to endure another miscarriage, I don't think I could be my best for them. 

So, I am relieved to know that I won't have to return to the darkest places that I went after the miscarriages.  To my angels, I love you, and you are always in my heart!  I RSVP'd yes this week for the walk in October to honor you!

5 Weeks and Still Adjusting

Scarlet is 5 weeks old as of today.  What better way to celebrate than to have pictures taken of her and our now family of four.  Scarlet was a real trooper-sleeping through the first part of the session.  She didn't start fussing until the end.

Tressel wasn't too happy to have the spotlight so focused on his sister.  Mike kept him in another room during the photographs of only Scarlet.  When it was time for them to join us, I had to bribe Tressel.  Most moms have to bribe their kids with a toy or candy.  In our house it is fruit.  I gave him 1 or 2 grapes at a time to get him to do the little things we needed.  Like join us for a family picture.  Or hold his sister long enough to get a few shots.

There is definitely no easy way to transition a 2-year-old from being the center of attention to sharing everything.  I was a first-born, and my mom loves telling the stories about the antics I pulled (mainly regressing on being potty-trained) after my sister was born.

I hate the fact that my patience is much lower.  I'm tired most of the time, and that doesn't help.  Then behavior is added to the mix.  The result is less than positive more than a few times each day.  Did I mention that the hormones have been worse this time?  They are.  I haven't called my OB because I am functioning almost all of the time.  My release has been unloading on Mike and crying. 

Having another child, I can attest to the fact that the amount of love I have has increased.  I just wish I had more hours every day to show that.  Especially to Tressel. 

Like I said: we are all still adjusting.  I did manage to make it out of the house this morning when I intended with both kids.  One victory at a time.

My little Duck is 4 weeks already

I could write that taking care of a two-year-old and a newborn has zapped me of extra time to actually write a post.  While it has, there are other reasons I haven't been writing.  The hormones have been worse this time, and I have been devoting extra energy to trying to keep them in check.  I watched a lot of the Olympic coverage-a lot!

The number one reason is I am still in some disbelief.  Five years ago we started trying to conceive.  The road wasn't easy, but I have finally have not just one beautiful, healthy child, but two!  I am trying to get my head wrapped around it.

This is reality now.  Not just the daydream that kept me going through everything.

The Duck is a Girl!

This has been a long, but amazing day!  Last night I was a little worried that I would have the emotional strength to make it through the day without losing my mind.  When I kissed Tressel goodnight, I started tearing up and had to leave the room immediately.  I went into my room and started crying uncontrollably.  It truly hit me that we were about to add to our family.  And I wouldn't be able to focus so much time, energy, and attention on Tressel.  I obviously love him, but I didn't realize how amazingly deep it was.  This is the first time he has slept away from me, and I don't mean in the next room.  He is doing well, so that is a great comfort.

On to the wonderful news of the day...we arrived at the hospital at 7 and were ushered to the labor and recovery room.  With Tressel is was only the recovery room since I had labored in one of the birthing suites for nearly 24 hours.  It was a very different experience since I was completely aware of what was occurring and not drained of my life force by labor and the devil's drug of Pitocin.

We were the first patients of the day in there, and Mike was charged with entertaining me while we waited.  The nurse prepped me, which included my less than favorite part of inserting the catheter followed by waiting for an hour for the surgery time.

When I was wheeled back, I felt like I was going back and forth between this morning and just over two years ago.  This time a resident did my spinal under the careful watch of the pain doctor.  Let's just day I displayed amazing patience since it took him a couple of tries to get the needle in the right spot.  I kept reminding myself that this was part of what I had to do to meet the Baby Duck.

I was relieved when I started to not feel my feet.  I was even more relieved when the curtain was in place, and Mike joined me.  As I listed to my OB explaining everything to the resident and med student helping, I felt so aware.  Almost a heightened state of awareness.  That also made the time seem to drag on.

Then the next thing I knew, my OB was talking about the masses of dark hair on the baby's head.  One of the nurses had Mike stand so he could see (he enjoys seeing my insides and doesn't get squeamish-very weird) and then tell me that the Baby Duck is a girl. 

I was beyond elated.  We had narrowed the list to one girl's name and one boy's name.  Her name is Scarlet.  She is 6 pounds 13 ounces, 19 inches long. 

My OB had Mike cut the cord, which was cool since he didn't have the option last time.  Then he went into the adjacent room with Scarlet while my OB put me back together again.  By this point I had the shakes and was wishing I could have been listening to the conversation about my insides. 

No one had the sense to come and tell me everything was okay with Scarlet, so I was relieved when Mike returned with her.  Her apgars were 8, 9, 9.  The only problem area was the color of her skin, which has now corrected itself.  She was a nice hue of purple for part of the day.

My OB asked me one more time at this point if I really wanted to get my tubes tied.  My answer was a resounding yes.  Mike and I discussed it again last night, and we agreed that it was going to happen no matter what.  I will write another day about the relief I am already feeling about having my tubes tied.

So, now I have a beautiful baby girl and an amazing toddler son.  Here is a picture from today:

Less than one week to go...

38 1/2 weeks.  I am two weeks further along than I was when Tressel was born.  The C-Section is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

I am excited and nervous.  Excited to meet the Baby Duck.  Nervous about staying at the hospital away from Tressel.  I have my final OB appointment on Friday with a different OB in the practice because my OB is on vacation this week. 

This pregnancy has been very different than the one with Tressel.  The emotional wounds of the miscarriages were so fresh that I freaked out about every twinge with him.  I was neurotic about keeping the kick count records.  I was terrified of something going wrong.  I'm sure all of that combined with how nervous I was at my appointments to give me blood pressure problems at my appointments.

Chasing after Tressel has distracted me a lot over the course of this pregnancy.  When I feel discomfort, I try to relax.  I've only called my OB's office once-last week.  A small part of me feels guilty for not worrying more.  A larger part of me hopes the early months will be a little easier.

Whatever the disposition of the Duck, I am excited for the adventure.

On a very happy mommy note: Tressel cuddled up to me today, looked me in the eye, and said, "You're my best friend, Mommy."  Life doesn't get any better than moments like that!

Getting Closer & New Stretch Marks

I have officially made it past the point at which Tressel was born.  Yesterday was the point at which my water broke and started my labor with him.  He was born about 24 hours later via C-Section.

I am excited to meet the Baby Duck, but I am fine if the little one waits until the scheduled C-Section date of the 29th.  I put the cover back on the infant car seat tonight.  We are ready unlike with Tressel.  I can remember Mike and one of my best friends going out into the parking lot at the hospital so she could help him install the base for the car seat.  We hadn't even read the book yet for it.

I am still having contractions.  Between 5 and 10 per day with more than a few stopping me for a minute because of their intensity.  I am feeling well, even with the daily Heparin injections.

I do have one complaint.  The Baby Duck is leaving more than a little mark.  I had read and heard from a number of friends that the first baby is the one who breaks in the skin and leaves the stretch marks.  Tressel did leave stretch marks, and I had come to terms with the new road map of my abdomen with the stretch marks and C-section scar.  The Baby Duck is leaving a ring around my belly button, which had been stretch mark free until a few weeks ago.  I also noticed more new ones tonight after my shower that are spreading upward from where the ones are that Tressel left. 

Stretch mark cream reduces the itching, but it doesn't do anything to prevent or reduce stretch marks.  I have been using it, but only to make me look a little more normal in public and not like the socially awkward person who can't stop from itching.

Tomorrow is 37 weeks!