Chasing Baby

Time for school

When I started this blog, I didn't know if I would ever have a baby in my arms. Multiple miscarriages have that effect. The blogosphere provided me with much needed comfort after my second miscarriage.

When T was born, I was so focused on the now of actually having a baby in my arms. All of the daydreaming I did while pregnant was temporarily forgotten. In its place were diapers, many sleepless nights, and trying to navigate being a new mom.

Now T is almost 5 1/2 years old and has a younger sister (S). Tomorrow is T's first day of kindergarten, and I have had a few emotional moments this week. Yesterday we met with his teacher, and he was able to explore the kindergarten room. He was so excited and can't wait to spend more time playing and making friends.

I am so happy that he is excited. At the same time, I am facing the transition from being almost the sole influence in his life to having another adult present for many of his new experiences. This is the blessing and curse of being a stay-at-home mom. When he started preschool 2 years ago, he only went 2 mornings each week for a total of 5 hours. He was still with me for most of the time. When I was talking to my husband about this, he asked if I wanted to homeschool our son. I said no. I understand the importance of having other relationships (both teachers and classmates).

After I get through the tears of tomorrow, I have Tuesday to look forward to when S starts her first day of preschool. She has attended a 1 day a week program for the last year because she wanted to go to school like her brother. After the first two weeks, I saw the benefit of having 2 hours every week to run errands by myself. I was amazed at how productive I could be. Maybe I am not feeling as emotional about preschool because she will only be away from me for 5 hours a week? I guess I have 2 years until another flood of emotion about being apart from my little girl. My baby.

On that note, it sounds like quiet time has come to a close for today, so I should go enjoy my time with my kiddos and hold my first baby in my arms for a little more before he starts school tomorrow.

How fast the time really flies!

I have been at a loss for what to write for the last few months.  Four years ago I was pregnant and hoping beyond hope that I had finally paid my dues and would be able to have a baby.  Three weeks later I was walking out of the OB's office in a daze, saying "I can't believe it is happening again."  I was stunned and couldn't think clearly knowing I was having my third miscarriage over the time span of 15 months.  After pushing my OB, a maternal-fetal specialist, my family doctor, and a fertility specialist over the course of 2 months, I finally had answers and a plan.

August 2005 I got pregnant.

April 2006 Tressel was born 4 weeks early.  Healthy.  My miracle!

Tressel turned 3 last month, and I am so in awe of him.  I fell in love with him the at the first ultrasound of the tiny dot with the blinking heartbeat.  I would talk to him during the day, determined to appreciate the days.

When he was born, I was even more in love.  While the first few months were exhausting and made me wonder if I would ever sleep again in my life, I treasured my baby.  When we saw people, I didn't want to share him.  Not even with Mike.  Part of me always felt like the other shoe would fall.  He would contract some illness from someone and get sick.

Now I look at him and tear up because I see what a smart, empathetic, funny boy he is.  And know that it is almost time for me to turn him over to someone else for part of his care and education.  He will start preschool in September, assuming he masters potty training by then. 

I feel lucky to have had a front row seat for the last three years, watching and nurturing my little baby grow into the three-year-old boy with the endless curiosity and hours of singing made up songs.  He can spell his name and a handful of other things.  He can count to 20 in English and 8 in Spanish.  He "reads" by himself, and loves to cuddle with me while I read to him.

He runs and climbs.  Builds with Legos, blocks, books, and just about anything else that can be stacked.  He has an amazing smile.  And an even better laugh.

He has taught me a lot.  Most importantly, that plans need to have some fluidity.  That it is important to reevaluate how well something is working.  If it isn't working, it is a good idea to try something new.  And I can't do it all.  It is better for me and for my family if I have a break rather than wear myself ragged and have a spotless house.  I have redefined success.

Success is what I see in my family room: a happy little boy playing with his baby sister.

2009 & Filled with Pride

The election of President Obama in November filled me with immense pride.  I was so happy to take both of my children with me to vote.  Tressel didn't really understand, but that didn't stop me from trying.  I read him books about elections and showed him pictures of the candidates.

On Inauguration Day, we made American flags and watched the President take the oath.  I love that this election happened, especially in the beginning of my children's lives.  Talk about a new normal!

A New Normal

Months have passed since last I posted.  Months have passed since I even logged into my account.  Three months to be exact. 

I am immersed in raising my kids.  Being a mom to Tressel has tested my levels of creativity (keeping a toddler occupied while I nurse the baby) and patience (how to not overreact at things that happen-usually while I am nursing the baby).  Being a mom to Scarlet is easy.  She is the type of baby who goes with the flow, and I only wish I could lavish her with even more attention.

Even with those challenges, I am in awe of how much Tressel is learning and growing.  When he asks a question or needs assistance with something, I have learned that it is worth pushing to see how much more he can absorb or do.  He is spelling words verbally.  He officially can dress himself now. 

The one thing he doesn't seem to want to really do is potty training.  We had tried a couple of times, but I didn't want to push it.  Now that I am getting ready to enroll him in preschool for the fall, I see the need to work on the potty training.  A couple of weeks ago, he decided he was ready.  We had three days with only 1 accident, and I thought we were well on our way.  Forget that.  He likes sitting on it, but only wants to sit on it.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is what a sweet boy he really is.  Any outbursts I can attribute to both the adjustments of being 2 1/2 and having a baby sibling.  He is so affectionate toward his sister, and he eats it up when I hold him.  I really wish I could clone myself so they could both have enough of me.

Scarlet will be 6 months tomorrow, and she can't wait until she can chase after Tressel.  She is rolling, getting up on all fours and rocking, and babbling up a storm.  It may be wishful thinking, but I swear she is on the verge of saying Ma Ma.  When she wants me to come to her, she cries the M sound.  Her smile melts me.

To be completely honest, I could have found some time for blogging if I had wanted.  One of my friends convinced me last fall to join Facebook.  I had resisted for months.  I'm not sure if I timed it right based on my recovering from the pregnancy hormones.  I have been spending my spare time being rather introspective about my high school and college experiences.

I had maintained contact with my close friends from earlier in my life and didn't think I needed to reconnect with those who were more of acquaintances.  The reconnecting has brought to the surface my joys and insecurities from those times.  As I share current photos and information, a part of me wonders the context in which it is being read.  Those people are filtering the current me through the lens from when we knew one another.  As I am doing.

I have decided this might be the perfect time for this because I am forcing myself to revisit those issues to improve myself and hopefully be better for me and for the important people in my life (my kids, husband, family, friends).

I definitely could not have done this a few years ago before I was pregnant with Tressel.  It was challenging enough interacting with friends who were having children.  A few of those I reconnected with are married with no children.  Part of me wonders if they are part of the infertile club.  Much of the Facebook communication tends to be superficial, so I don't feel comfortable relating my story or reaching out to them about it.  But maybe with time it will be possible.

I suppose it is also possible that my new normal of moving away from trying to have children to raising children and reconnecting with people from earlier in my life may be a really good thing.  Not all of the days are easy, but the joy I am experiencing with my kids is more than I could have anticipated.

8 Weeks & Hitting Our Stride-Mostly

Scarlet is 8 weeks.  She will officially be 2 months on Monday, and I am blown away by how quickly the last two months have passed.  I know the time flew at warp speed with Tressel during the first few months, but it was different.  The sleep deprivation at that time was on a level that I never could have imagined.  Most of my posts were about wanting more sleep.  When I actually did sleep, I dreamed of more sleep.

I am getting restful sleep this time, which makes life easier to handle.  It definitely makes caring for a 2-year-old and an infant easier.  There is a bigger difference that I am hesitant to mention because I worry that people won't get it.  Scarlet reacts to me.  She is a flirty baby with smiles and coos.  The smiles started early.  Before the smiles, she was tracking me as I moved around the room.  She started tracking me at 2 weeks-seriously! 

Truth be told there are times when I feel like she is seeing me as a giant boob and just wants to nurse. 

More often I feel such joy.  That she realizes I am her Mommy.  I didn't have that with Tressel for a long time.  The first few months were very challenging.  I use that word because it is the kindest word I can find without doing a disservice to that little boy who now makes me laugh hysterically countless times each day; who melts my heart countless times each day; who tells me he loves me and calls me his best friend countless times each day. 

Knowing the road I traveled with Tressel, I was prepared for the worst this time.  I knew how rough it can be with night after night of hours of crying.  Inconsolable crying.  More than once I placed him gently in the crib as the tears ran down my cheeks at 2:30 am to go sit on the toilet by myself for 5 minutes.  Then I would return to pick him up-still crying-and keep going with the hope that things would get better.  Thank goodness things did improve.  I was so sleep deprived that I wasn't clear when exactly it happened.

I am grateful for the sake of my entire family that Scarlet sleeps more at night and lets me sleep.  It gives me the needed energy to care for my kids and be patient with them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the first posts after Scarlet was born I mentioned having my tubes tied and the relief that brought me.  I have felt some mixed emotions about not being pregnant again because I enjoyed that feeling of carrying a child.  For me being pregnant felt like this great secret that I shared with my baby.  I loved that part of being pregnant, but I always felt like the other shoe could drop at any minute.

Three miscarriages mean that a pregnancy can end at any time.  Something can go wrong at any time.  I truly believe it is a miracle that I have two healthy children to hold and kiss each day!  I felt like I was tempting fate by trying to get pregnant last year.  I didn't know if I could have another miracle happen.  I have a deep affection for all of my doctors: both of my REs, my high-risk OB, and my OB.  Two of those doctors get credit for Tressel, and two get credit for Scarlet.

I know that I don't want to put my body again through what it takes for me to have a baby.  Since I know how easy it is for me to get pregnant, I decided to get me tubes tied.  I didn't want the possibility of getting pregnant again.

Truth is that I recognize what my body has physically endured.  More than that I realize what I am capable of handling emotionally and psychologically.  Miscarriage changed me drastically.  I am more empathetic toward the struggles of other people.  I am also more guarded.  I have had to force myself to take the risk of forming new friendships and mending those that have been strained by my struggle.

Part of my heart was permanently damaged, and I recognize that there are limits to what I can expect of myself.  I want to be the best wife and mother I am capable of being for Mike, Tressel, and Scarlet.  If I had to endure another miscarriage, I don't think I could be my best for them. 

So, I am relieved to know that I won't have to return to the darkest places that I went after the miscarriages.  To my angels, I love you, and you are always in my heart!  I RSVP'd yes this week for the walk in October to honor you!

5 Weeks and Still Adjusting

Scarlet is 5 weeks old as of today.  What better way to celebrate than to have pictures taken of her and our now family of four.  Scarlet was a real trooper-sleeping through the first part of the session.  She didn't start fussing until the end.

Tressel wasn't too happy to have the spotlight so focused on his sister.  Mike kept him in another room during the photographs of only Scarlet.  When it was time for them to join us, I had to bribe Tressel.  Most moms have to bribe their kids with a toy or candy.  In our house it is fruit.  I gave him 1 or 2 grapes at a time to get him to do the little things we needed.  Like join us for a family picture.  Or hold his sister long enough to get a few shots.

There is definitely no easy way to transition a 2-year-old from being the center of attention to sharing everything.  I was a first-born, and my mom loves telling the stories about the antics I pulled (mainly regressing on being potty-trained) after my sister was born.

I hate the fact that my patience is much lower.  I'm tired most of the time, and that doesn't help.  Then behavior is added to the mix.  The result is less than positive more than a few times each day.  Did I mention that the hormones have been worse this time?  They are.  I haven't called my OB because I am functioning almost all of the time.  My release has been unloading on Mike and crying. 

Having another child, I can attest to the fact that the amount of love I have has increased.  I just wish I had more hours every day to show that.  Especially to Tressel. 

Like I said: we are all still adjusting.  I did manage to make it out of the house this morning when I intended with both kids.  One victory at a time.

36 weeks and Counting

Today marks 36 weeks.  9 Months.  The Baby Duck has been trying to kick out through my belly button.  While it isn't actually possible, I do have a nice little collection of stretch marks there that are new to this pregnancy.  All of my stretch marks from the pregnancy with Tressel are on my lower abdomen.  I think the Duck has added a few new ones, but it is hard to tell for sure. 

Wednesday of last week I had my most recent OB appointment.  I had the lovely Group B strep test and the first check of my cervix.  While the NST and my BP both looked good, I wasn't at ease.  I forgot to ask if anything was happening. 

That evening we had a bad storm that included possible tornadoes, so the sirens were sounded.  All three of us camped out in the basement for over an hour.  I saw with my legs up watching the weather map on the laptop while Tressel chased around after Tressel.  Not long after going down into the basement, I started having some pretty intense contractions.  I'm not sure if they were brought on by my appointment or the storm.  They didn't last too long, but they were a reminder that we are getting closer.  My water broke at 36 1/2 weeks with Tressel, so it could be soon.

My OB gave my the okay to drive an hour and a half with Mike and Tressel to have dinner with my parents, sister, and BIl.   They were taking a long vacation weekend nearby.  We had a nice time, and Tressel loved the extra attention.

I've had a few contractions every day since Wednesday.  Next appointment is Wednesday afternoon.

34 1/2 Weeks & Teething

I love being a mom.  I don't love being really pregnant in the summer heat.  I don't love teething.

Truth is I have never been a fan of the intense heat and humidity of summer.  This is probably the effects of pregnancy brain or getting older, but I swear it wasn't this hot in Ohio this early in the summer when I was little.  I can remember spending most days at camp, in the pool, or in the sprinkler.  But the really hot weather came in August.  Since I was usually in some form of water, it didn't bother me that much.

Having a 2-year-old means going to the park and doing other things outside that don't necessarily involve water, so I have started to feel like a participant in Survivor: Pregnancy Island.  I gave up wearing my wedding ring over a month ago.  It is on a gold chain that I can't even remember to wear all the time.  (Maybe that is why I have been getting the strange looks: 8 1/2 months pregnant and no wedding band)

I try to remember to always have a snack and the stroller with me, so at the very least I can strap Tressel in for a few minutes and give myself a break from chasing after him when he wants to follow the older kids to one of the huge climbing trees.  Apparently he thinks he is a proficient tree climber these days.  I disagree.  First, there is the issue that I feel it is necessary to climb after him to get him back down, which isn't a recommended form of exercise in your third trimester.  Second, he isn't as good as he thinks, so there is a good likelihood of falling out and injuring himself.  That would mean a trip to the ER with plenty of paperwork, and I'm trying to avoid the hospital until it is time for the Baby Duck's arrival.

I had my weekly non-stress and OB appointment yesterday.  Baby Duck once again performed as desired and had a dance party.  We had spent the morning at a friend's house for a pool party, so Tressel was passed out in the stroller.  I was thankful for that because Mike arrived 10 minutes after we started the NST. 

When we were walking to the room to see the nurse and OB, I was thinking about how differently I feel at these appointments than I did when pregnant with Tressel.  I'm not naive to think this pregnancy is issue-free.  One look at my stomach is a reminder with the full spectrum of bruise colors from the Lovenox.  This time I don't have the sweaty palms when I am driving to my appointments.  I don't cringe when my doctor opens her mouth that I am going to be reprimanded about my BP or weight.  By the way, my BP was 115/80, and I have gained about 25 pounds. 

All of that being said, I feel calmer.  One of my girlfriends asked what I thought the big difference was.  I speculated that it is the group of women who have become my close friends through the parents group I joined when Tressel was 2 1/2 months old.  It might be Tressel.  It might be that I am more tired and just don't have the energy to be as anxiety-ridden.

That doesn't mean that I don't still look for signs that something might be going wrong.  I just try to be grateful and thank God for the blessings I have: Mike, Tressel, pregnant with Baby Duck, my fertility doctor who initially tested and diagnosed me, my current OB and her team, and my friends and family. 

That brings me to the big T.  Little T has been dealing with the big T for the last couple of weeks.  His second-year molars have been testing all of us.  The first one came through about 2 weeks ago, and it was proceeded by a couple of nights of disrupted sleep.  I think Mike and I have grown too accustomed to real sleep after Tressel's first 18 months. 

Sunday night of this week, Tressel was awake 7 times.  Screaming.  Yelling his teeth hurt.  I suspected when we were doing his bedtime routine, so we gave him some Motrin.  He was awake for the first time an hour later.  That didn't bode well for the rest of the night.  I ended up taking him to the ped's office in the morning just to make sure it hadn't started another ear infection.  The really bad teething has coincided with the start of ear infections three times.  Of course everything was clear.  I was glad because I didn't want him to be sick, but I was hoping for a magic potion that would ensure a good night's sleep Monday night.  The ped verified that one part of the second second-year molar had started to poke through, and we should add Orajel to the mix.

The sleeping has been better.  Improving every night.  I still don't love teething.

32 weeks! And a rough week...

As of Sunday, we are 32 weeks along!  Things are going well.  Last Friday's appointment was a non-stress test and regular appointment.  Baby Duck performed as needed for the non-stress test.  My BP was 115/70, so my OB is telling me to keep doing what I have been doing.

I am having weekly appointments now with the next one on Friday.  I get to have everything on Friday with an ultrasound, non-stress test, and regular appointment.  Mike will be there, for which I am thankful. 

Speaking of that, a number of my girlfriends with more than one child had warned me that their husbands didn't participate as much during subsequent pregnancies (translation: they didn't attend the prenatal appointments).  I think I have conveyed to Mike that if I am handling Tressel by myself for the appointment that I am more likely have higher BP, which could lead to bedrest.

This definitely hasn't been a stress-free week when it comes to parenting Tressel.  We can have a great morning, but as soon as he is up from his nap after lunch he is a handful.  Yesterday morning I was teary-eyed watching Tressel and thinking about how amazing, kind, and bright he is.  He shares with the other kids during playgroups.  He can speak in complete sentences.  He has a great smile.

Then there is the flip-side of that.  When he hits me and laughs.  Make that cackles.  When he throws stuff out of the cart at the grocery store.  When he throws the most obnoxious tantrums. 

I am eight months pregnant, and my patience has significantly decreased as the pregnancy has progressed.  To make life more fun, Tressel's defiance has increased now that he is two.

I really love that little boy, but there are those moments when I wish the fantasy of the Calgon commercial was possible!

My Happy Boy

Sometimes when I am too close to something, it is harder for me to see the entire picture.  To truly appreciate the person, situation, etc.

Today was a great reminder of how great my little boy is.  We recently started leaving Tressel with a babysitter.  This had been something I had been dreading because I hated the idea of leaving my son with anyone and he had awful experiences at church when we left him in the toddler room.  Leaving him with a babysitter has been very positive.  So much so that when I tell Tressel that one of the sisters who lives two houses away is coming over to play with him, he runs around happily screaming for them.

In addition to leaving Tressel with one or the other of them when we go out, I have had them take turns coming over for an hour once a week so I can get some things accomplished that I can't do with his "help." 

At the end of the hour today, I came back downstairs to see Tressel completely immersed in the story the babysitter was reading.  He was grinning from ear-to-ear.

While I could have been a little jealous, instead I took joy from the happiness Tressel was experiencing.  This is a big step for me and for him.