Chasing Baby

Should have known

About an hour after I posted the latest entry on here yesterday, it officially became my time of the month.  I was still feeling pretty bummed, but it made more sense.  Now I am just a little bummed today and popping Motrin for cramps.  I've been waiting for the Motrin to work so I can take the kids to the grocery.  600mg should do something after an hour and a half, right?

Off the Radar

I am definitely having one of those days.  Mike has been travelling a lot.  Much of his at home time has been taken up with the deck project.  I know I have been complaining some, but I haven't voiced that much of what has been actually crossing my mind.  I have been feeling like a single mom for about half the week for the last 2 months.  I really give credit to those women who are single moms!

The way I manage to keep going is the support of my girlfriends, but that hasn't at the level I needed recently. 

Here is the moment for my pity party: I'm feeling incredibly lonely and believe I have fallen off the radar of my closest girlfriends.  I had one tell me last year that I come across as so self-assured and together that it appears I don't need help.  That in the midst of feeling like I am drowning.

All of this is making me think what do I really need right now.  I need to know someone is keeping an eye on me.  Calling occassionally to check on me and make sure I am okay.  Rather than I calling to always check on everyone else.  And feeling like they must assume I'm fine since I am calling to check on them.

The tipping point for today's pity party is my parents are coming to visit for the weekend tomorrow, and I desparately need to clean the house.  Cleaning has become a near impossibility with a 3 year-old and 10 month-old.  Just getting things straightened up long enough to dust, vacuum, and scrub is exhausting.  So, I had asked Mike before his latest business trip if he could take this afternoon off so I could completely concentrate on cleaning.

He checked his schedule and assured me he could.  When I asked again last night, he said he would come home right after his 11:30 conference call.  I thought that would be great because I could get started right after lunch.  I was almost excited about cleaning. 

Now it is 1:30, and I haven't even received a phone call.  Apparently I have fallen off my husband's radar too.  This added to the way my birthday/Mother's Day was is really making me feel pretty lousy.

The one thing about having kids is you feel like your pity parties have to be very short.  You don't want those precious little people to worry about you.  You also don't have the luxury of spending too much time on self pity.  Someone is eating something she shouldn't or putting something into something he shouldn't.

Phone just rang.  He is on his way home.  Guess I get to start cleaning.  Yay.  (Lots of sarcasm)

Mommy Moments

I have recently reached a point of near exhaustion.  Mike has been traveling a lot, and I haven't had the benefit of help.  We recently took a trip to visit friends in South Carolina and to tour in Atlanta while Mike was at a conference.  All of this has added up, and I'm not handling it as well as I would like.

I have no patience left by 5 pm.  I'm not proud to say I have snapped at the kids.

Today I fell asleep on the couch while Mike and the kids were playing.  It was a nap I wanted to take every day this week, but I couldn't manage to get both kids to nap at the same time.  I appreciated the rest, but I don't think it was enough.

Two hours later I cleaned a potato and put it in the microwave to go with dinner.  I have microwaved potatoes countless times.  This was the first time I caught one on fire.  I was sitting at the table next to the microwave, and I turned to see smoke coming out of it.  There weren't actually flames, but Mike said the smoke kept coming out of it when he dumped it outside.

Not one of my proudest moments.  Good news: I didn't actually catch my house on fire.  Bad news: my house stinks like burnt potato.

How fast the time really flies!

I have been at a loss for what to write for the last few months.  Four years ago I was pregnant and hoping beyond hope that I had finally paid my dues and would be able to have a baby.  Three weeks later I was walking out of the OB's office in a daze, saying "I can't believe it is happening again."  I was stunned and couldn't think clearly knowing I was having my third miscarriage over the time span of 15 months.  After pushing my OB, a maternal-fetal specialist, my family doctor, and a fertility specialist over the course of 2 months, I finally had answers and a plan.

August 2005 I got pregnant.

April 2006 Tressel was born 4 weeks early.  Healthy.  My miracle!

Tressel turned 3 last month, and I am so in awe of him.  I fell in love with him the at the first ultrasound of the tiny dot with the blinking heartbeat.  I would talk to him during the day, determined to appreciate the days.

When he was born, I was even more in love.  While the first few months were exhausting and made me wonder if I would ever sleep again in my life, I treasured my baby.  When we saw people, I didn't want to share him.  Not even with Mike.  Part of me always felt like the other shoe would fall.  He would contract some illness from someone and get sick.

Now I look at him and tear up because I see what a smart, empathetic, funny boy he is.  And know that it is almost time for me to turn him over to someone else for part of his care and education.  He will start preschool in September, assuming he masters potty training by then. 

I feel lucky to have had a front row seat for the last three years, watching and nurturing my little baby grow into the three-year-old boy with the endless curiosity and hours of singing made up songs.  He can spell his name and a handful of other things.  He can count to 20 in English and 8 in Spanish.  He "reads" by himself, and loves to cuddle with me while I read to him.

He runs and climbs.  Builds with Legos, blocks, books, and just about anything else that can be stacked.  He has an amazing smile.  And an even better laugh.

He has taught me a lot.  Most importantly, that plans need to have some fluidity.  That it is important to reevaluate how well something is working.  If it isn't working, it is a good idea to try something new.  And I can't do it all.  It is better for me and for my family if I have a break rather than wear myself ragged and have a spotless house.  I have redefined success.

Success is what I see in my family room: a happy little boy playing with his baby sister.

2009 & Filled with Pride

The election of President Obama in November filled me with immense pride.  I was so happy to take both of my children with me to vote.  Tressel didn't really understand, but that didn't stop me from trying.  I read him books about elections and showed him pictures of the candidates.

On Inauguration Day, we made American flags and watched the President take the oath.  I love that this election happened, especially in the beginning of my children's lives.  Talk about a new normal!

A New Normal

Months have passed since last I posted.  Months have passed since I even logged into my account.  Three months to be exact. 

I am immersed in raising my kids.  Being a mom to Tressel has tested my levels of creativity (keeping a toddler occupied while I nurse the baby) and patience (how to not overreact at things that happen-usually while I am nursing the baby).  Being a mom to Scarlet is easy.  She is the type of baby who goes with the flow, and I only wish I could lavish her with even more attention.

Even with those challenges, I am in awe of how much Tressel is learning and growing.  When he asks a question or needs assistance with something, I have learned that it is worth pushing to see how much more he can absorb or do.  He is spelling words verbally.  He officially can dress himself now. 

The one thing he doesn't seem to want to really do is potty training.  We had tried a couple of times, but I didn't want to push it.  Now that I am getting ready to enroll him in preschool for the fall, I see the need to work on the potty training.  A couple of weeks ago, he decided he was ready.  We had three days with only 1 accident, and I thought we were well on our way.  Forget that.  He likes sitting on it, but only wants to sit on it.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is what a sweet boy he really is.  Any outbursts I can attribute to both the adjustments of being 2 1/2 and having a baby sibling.  He is so affectionate toward his sister, and he eats it up when I hold him.  I really wish I could clone myself so they could both have enough of me.

Scarlet will be 6 months tomorrow, and she can't wait until she can chase after Tressel.  She is rolling, getting up on all fours and rocking, and babbling up a storm.  It may be wishful thinking, but I swear she is on the verge of saying Ma Ma.  When she wants me to come to her, she cries the M sound.  Her smile melts me.

To be completely honest, I could have found some time for blogging if I had wanted.  One of my friends convinced me last fall to join Facebook.  I had resisted for months.  I'm not sure if I timed it right based on my recovering from the pregnancy hormones.  I have been spending my spare time being rather introspective about my high school and college experiences.

I had maintained contact with my close friends from earlier in my life and didn't think I needed to reconnect with those who were more of acquaintances.  The reconnecting has brought to the surface my joys and insecurities from those times.  As I share current photos and information, a part of me wonders the context in which it is being read.  Those people are filtering the current me through the lens from when we knew one another.  As I am doing.

I have decided this might be the perfect time for this because I am forcing myself to revisit those issues to improve myself and hopefully be better for me and for the important people in my life (my kids, husband, family, friends).

I definitely could not have done this a few years ago before I was pregnant with Tressel.  It was challenging enough interacting with friends who were having children.  A few of those I reconnected with are married with no children.  Part of me wonders if they are part of the infertile club.  Much of the Facebook communication tends to be superficial, so I don't feel comfortable relating my story or reaching out to them about it.  But maybe with time it will be possible.

I suppose it is also possible that my new normal of moving away from trying to have children to raising children and reconnecting with people from earlier in my life may be a really good thing.  Not all of the days are easy, but the joy I am experiencing with my kids is more than I could have anticipated.

End of an Era

This weekend was both emotional and a time to move forward.  Yesterday was the local Walk of Remembrance.  I had sent in our form saying we would attend over a month ago, but I was having second thoughts over the last week. 

I have taken as many moments over the last 6 months to think solely about my little angels.  Granted, I have been busy with Tressel, the pregnancy, and now Scarlet.  Instead of having the regular cries every month or two, I had the moments in the car when I choked up or saw something that reminded me of what I endured.  There are songs that immediately take me back to one of those days and the horrible agony I felt.

Yesterday was different.  I did cry, but instead of focusing on the losses, I thought about my angels.  Safe and playing with other children in Heaven.  Happy.  Laughing.  Definitely not hurting.  That is a great comfort.  I also like to think they are the special guardian angels for my two angels here on Earth. 

I think it was the change in feeling of yesterday that led me to finally gather up the needles and Heparin.  I took pictures and secured them all in appropriate containers. 

Five years ago during the summer of 2003, we started trying to get pregnant.  The road was not easy.  At times, I questioned my own existence.  But somehow I kept going with the dim hope that I would one day be a mom.  When that was realized with Tressel, I wondered whether I should end the journey and be satisfied with my amazing little boy.  Something in me said there was another baby for me to carry and raise.  Now I have Scarlet and am grateful beyond words at being lucky enough to have another healthy child.

I am so grateful to my doctors and nurses.  I am grateful to the medical professionals who did the research to connect the benefits of injectable blood thinners for clotting disorders.  You helped to give me two healthy, beautiful children.

And as I said goodbye tonight to the needles and blood thinner, I closed that door and now can focus on my here and now.  Which is raising my children.

How quickly the time flies!

While I try to ignore the downward plummet of the stock market and our investment portfolio, I am shocked at how quickly the weeks have passed since Scarlet's birth. 

She is smiley and happy most of the time.  She is only fussy when she needs something or has gas.  I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes it is that simple. 

Monday was her two month appointment, and she is growing!  She measured 23.5 inches and 12 pounds 15 ounces.  Tressel was 21.25 inches and 13 pounds at two months.  Gotta love the breast milk.  I really am grateful that nursing comes so easily for us.  I am dealing with another round of latching issues and soreness, but we'll get through it with a little wincing.

This week has brought some new things for Scarlet.  She rolled for the first time on Sunday from back to front.  I haven't been very diligent about tummy time, but she seems determined to learn how to move.  Tressel is too intriguing and entertaining for her, and she is ready to join him already. 

Last night during bath time she laughed for the first time.  I thought I was going to cry.  She is growing so quickly and is so social.  I felt like for a moment I had a peek at the future: being on the phone with my daughter talking for hours about anything and everything.

I am so in love with my baby girl that sometimes I feel like I might burst!

8 Weeks & Hitting Our Stride-Mostly

Scarlet is 8 weeks.  She will officially be 2 months on Monday, and I am blown away by how quickly the last two months have passed.  I know the time flew at warp speed with Tressel during the first few months, but it was different.  The sleep deprivation at that time was on a level that I never could have imagined.  Most of my posts were about wanting more sleep.  When I actually did sleep, I dreamed of more sleep.

I am getting restful sleep this time, which makes life easier to handle.  It definitely makes caring for a 2-year-old and an infant easier.  There is a bigger difference that I am hesitant to mention because I worry that people won't get it.  Scarlet reacts to me.  She is a flirty baby with smiles and coos.  The smiles started early.  Before the smiles, she was tracking me as I moved around the room.  She started tracking me at 2 weeks-seriously! 

Truth be told there are times when I feel like she is seeing me as a giant boob and just wants to nurse. 

More often I feel such joy.  That she realizes I am her Mommy.  I didn't have that with Tressel for a long time.  The first few months were very challenging.  I use that word because it is the kindest word I can find without doing a disservice to that little boy who now makes me laugh hysterically countless times each day; who melts my heart countless times each day; who tells me he loves me and calls me his best friend countless times each day. 

Knowing the road I traveled with Tressel, I was prepared for the worst this time.  I knew how rough it can be with night after night of hours of crying.  Inconsolable crying.  More than once I placed him gently in the crib as the tears ran down my cheeks at 2:30 am to go sit on the toilet by myself for 5 minutes.  Then I would return to pick him up-still crying-and keep going with the hope that things would get better.  Thank goodness things did improve.  I was so sleep deprived that I wasn't clear when exactly it happened.

I am grateful for the sake of my entire family that Scarlet sleeps more at night and lets me sleep.  It gives me the needed energy to care for my kids and be patient with them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the first posts after Scarlet was born I mentioned having my tubes tied and the relief that brought me.  I have felt some mixed emotions about not being pregnant again because I enjoyed that feeling of carrying a child.  For me being pregnant felt like this great secret that I shared with my baby.  I loved that part of being pregnant, but I always felt like the other shoe could drop at any minute.

Three miscarriages mean that a pregnancy can end at any time.  Something can go wrong at any time.  I truly believe it is a miracle that I have two healthy children to hold and kiss each day!  I felt like I was tempting fate by trying to get pregnant last year.  I didn't know if I could have another miracle happen.  I have a deep affection for all of my doctors: both of my REs, my high-risk OB, and my OB.  Two of those doctors get credit for Tressel, and two get credit for Scarlet.

I know that I don't want to put my body again through what it takes for me to have a baby.  Since I know how easy it is for me to get pregnant, I decided to get me tubes tied.  I didn't want the possibility of getting pregnant again.

Truth is that I recognize what my body has physically endured.  More than that I realize what I am capable of handling emotionally and psychologically.  Miscarriage changed me drastically.  I am more empathetic toward the struggles of other people.  I am also more guarded.  I have had to force myself to take the risk of forming new friendships and mending those that have been strained by my struggle.

Part of my heart was permanently damaged, and I recognize that there are limits to what I can expect of myself.  I want to be the best wife and mother I am capable of being for Mike, Tressel, and Scarlet.  If I had to endure another miscarriage, I don't think I could be my best for them. 

So, I am relieved to know that I won't have to return to the darkest places that I went after the miscarriages.  To my angels, I love you, and you are always in my heart!  I RSVP'd yes this week for the walk in October to honor you!

5 Weeks and Still Adjusting

Scarlet is 5 weeks old as of today.  What better way to celebrate than to have pictures taken of her and our now family of four.  Scarlet was a real trooper-sleeping through the first part of the session.  She didn't start fussing until the end.

Tressel wasn't too happy to have the spotlight so focused on his sister.  Mike kept him in another room during the photographs of only Scarlet.  When it was time for them to join us, I had to bribe Tressel.  Most moms have to bribe their kids with a toy or candy.  In our house it is fruit.  I gave him 1 or 2 grapes at a time to get him to do the little things we needed.  Like join us for a family picture.  Or hold his sister long enough to get a few shots.

There is definitely no easy way to transition a 2-year-old from being the center of attention to sharing everything.  I was a first-born, and my mom loves telling the stories about the antics I pulled (mainly regressing on being potty-trained) after my sister was born.

I hate the fact that my patience is much lower.  I'm tired most of the time, and that doesn't help.  Then behavior is added to the mix.  The result is less than positive more than a few times each day.  Did I mention that the hormones have been worse this time?  They are.  I haven't called my OB because I am functioning almost all of the time.  My release has been unloading on Mike and crying. 

Having another child, I can attest to the fact that the amount of love I have has increased.  I just wish I had more hours every day to show that.  Especially to Tressel. 

Like I said: we are all still adjusting.  I did manage to make it out of the house this morning when I intended with both kids.  One victory at a time.